Battle of titans

No sooner do I get my first taste of new powers than IT emerges from its ominous slumber to once again challenge me for total control of the known universe. IT, of course, is my dreaded nemesis, the dastardly Purple Robot of Death.

Sometimes it drags the Man obediently behind it, other times (as in this engagement) the Woman is its unwilling servant. That they so easily fall under its control is a testament to their weakness.

All ears swivel when it creeps menacingly from room to room. And when it comes to life with its horrifying war-scream, its whirling teeth, and its sickeningly transparent bowels in which its victims are eternally churned, one beholds no less than the bottomless maw of a beast of armageddon. The Rodent, unschooled as he is, panics and bolts for the high ground, where he is helplessly stranded. I can offer no protection for the foolhardy. Fabio, marginally wiser, creeps quietly for the nearest corner and tries his best to look unappetizing.

They, of course, are safe, for I know what they don't: the Murderous Robot from Hell has come for me, and me alone. We have squared off many times, and even though my courage and resolve is pure, the Damned Beast has never flinched. Never once. I believe it has no soul, no mind, nothing but the unwavering hunger of a minion of pure evil.

To my shame, the Robot of Death caught me off guard this time. I was contemplating my powers, lost in meditation, when it came upon me suddenly. (Despite its size, it can move quickly and silently when its mouth is shut.) Taken by surprise, I wheeled, deployed my tail into battle configuration, and hissed my darkest curse at the Behemoth. Realizing quickly my tactical disadvantage, I made a careful and coiled retreat, no doubt pleasing its warped pride, as it then let out a great bellow and proceeded to swallow half the room.

We shall meet again. And when that final battle is joined, only one of us shall leave the field of honor. By then, I will have harnessed my powers in full and will prove a truly formidable adversary. For there is something else I have discovered: the Purple Robot's strength seems somehow related to its long umbilical. Once I unravel this secret, then I will have the advantage.

So sleep well, my old enemy. The Day of Shmool is coming soon enough.

Unlimited power!

The Man has been addressing me as "Darth Mauser" of late -- I'm not exactly certain what that's supposed to mean, but the low, almost sinister tone of his voice suggests that it is a title of some respect. It had better be. Just to keep him in line, I bit his leg real good. We'll see how clever he is with that limp.

He and the Woman have been away quite a bit lately, and usually return smelling of popcorn. I don't know where they go, but it's quite possible they are driven into hiding in fear of me.

And no wonder -- my powers seem to be growing. Over the last few days, there has been a LOT of water coming from the sky. Once, when I was out patrolling my territory, the torrent became so great that I found myself trapped beneath a shrub. My frustration turned to anger, my anger to rage, and then suddenly there was a tremendous flash, a great surge of raw power, and then an overwhelming explosion that shook the firmament. I didn't know I could do that!

Somewhat shaken, I returned to my base of operations to find my bowl empty, and suddenly there was another great flash and a thunderous blast in the sky. I found myself slightly unnerved by the implications of this. And the Rodent had a stroke.

I haven't been able to do it since, but I'm working on it, searching the depths and recesses of my soul for the secret to these latent abilities. And rest assured, when I fully harness these powers, we'll see a new order around here... starting with a rewriting of the feeding schedule.