It's the thought that counts

It pleases me that my martial endeavors seem to have gained the support of the community. Winning the hearts and minds of the citizenry is key to any protracted campaign, as every great leader knows, from Ike to Jesse James.

The good people of Shmooldom have conscientiously been sending me nominations of worthy additions to my crack team, The Magnanimous Seven. As I am always on the lookout for good soliders to bring to the cause, I am grateful for the public's vigilance and sense of civic responsibility in this matter.

A couple of notable nominees:

Hawkeye the Navy SEAL [nomination courtesy of the Personal Secretary to Godzilla from Sandy Ego]. Fascinating. A cat that has mastered subaquatic maneuvers — the strategic possibilities seem limitless. However, on closer review of the submersion demo, I have noticed that while Hawkeye appears completely at ease in the water, and has a mastery of his diving gear, he doesn't seem to move around. At all. He just floats there, like a some kind of fur-bearing manatee. In short, it seems Hawkeye is perhaps too much at ease in the water. And we already have one sluggard on the team. So, give me a call if Hawkeye ever wakes up.

Fred the Undercover Cat [nomination courtesy of The Woman]. A master of disguise and infiltration, Fred ironically earned fame and public accolades for his undercover work — attention which inevitably compromises one's effectiveness as a plainclothescat. Sadly, Fred was recently killed in a “traffic accident” — though those of us familiar with the many enemies Fred made during his years as a flatfoot find this “accident” highly suspicious. A pity — our team could have used a dependable inside man. I assure you, inquiries are being made.

So, good intentions aside, my team stands strong but unimproved. We have here two uniquely specialized candidates of great ability, yet one is dead, the other inert. Keep those nominations coming. And thank you for your support.