Now THAT is a big cat

Forget everything I've said about my overbellied brother. Last night I saw a REAL BIG cat. And, unbelievable though it may seem, I have been humbled.

He came in through my door in the middle of the night. Normally, such a brash move would spell instant death for anyone not on my highly exclusive guest list, but this was no ordinary intruder. He was big, and built, and had some serious teeth. He was wearing a mask, and he WAS NOT AFRAID.

He gave me a completely dismissive look, and then -- I swear -- opened the door to the food storage unit and then opened my food bag... with his HANDS. This cat had hands! And then he just sat there, cool as a cucumber, eating my food like popcorn.

Fabio took one look and fainted.

It wasn't long before the Rodent caught wind of this new development and went into hysterics in the bedroom. The Man and the Woman kept telling him to be quiet, and I heard myself saying "You idiots! LISTEN TO THE DOG!!!!"

So finally the Man stumbled out to see what had the Rodent so spooked, and you should have seen the look on his face when he saw this striped behemoth having a picnic in the kitchen. The big cat gave the Man a look like, "That's right, buddy, what are YOU going to do about it?"

Eventually the intruder wiped his hands strolled out the way he came in. I have a feeling he'll be back, and there's one thing I know for sure:

I need to get me some hands.

That ain't my fight

So I walk into the room the other day and Fabio is standing there with his tail caught in the door, yowling and tugging and and slashing at both the Man and the Rodent as they dance around him like nitwits. Only my idiot brother could get himself into a situation like that.

Normally I would find such a scene mildly amusing, but as there were claws flying, teeth bared, blood flowing, and much yelling among the various parties involved, I backed off and kept my tail to the wall. The situation seemed to be spiraling out of control, and it was only a matter of time before the Woman got involved. I'm not about to let myself get drawn into the folly of the moron gang.

You can all just keep the hell away from me with that nonsense. Because I swear, if I die, I'm gonna die last.